The Year In Review

The year is coming to an end again and well, this was a very exciting year. It feels like it has only just begun, but actually, there are only a few days left. This year has been something special. I mean, every year is hiding some ups and downs, adventures and woes, happy moments and moments of tears. But this one kept ready an adventure rich ending. In any case, the last few months have been very fairy and exciting. But let's start at the beginning. Once upon a time...

The year 2015 didn't start as good as it ended. My first grandpa died in August 2014 and at the beginning of this year my other grandpa got seriously ill and died in January. For my whole family, this was a very tough time 'cause we had only lost another member of our family and now we had to say goodbye to a second loved soul. As if this wasn't enough my dearest friend, our dog died in March after suffering from cancer. It was hard for me to let her go because she meant a lot to me and it broke my heart seeing her suffering. But she wanted to be at my grandpa's side. They always have been a heart and a soul and I guess this was the right decision, so I've let her go. Having all those memories in my mind and sorrow in my soul it was hard to concentrate on the important things in life. I lost my ambition and motivation for university and fell in a swirl of doubt and desperation. I was wondering if my study was still the right thing to do and what I really want in life. I lost my path for a while and didn't know what I wanted, who I was and who I wanted to be at all. 

After a while, I found my peace and hope in nature, again. I started to find new interests in herbalism, crafting and music. I began to try new things, learn more and forget my troubles for a while. I knew it wouldn't solve the problem but I wanted to pursue something with less pressure for some time. And it helped me a lot. It showed me a way to deal with problems and I got to know myself better. I found some real passions of mine. 

At this time I tried to flee into another era when I went to the medieval markets with my medieval community. This year there have been some special moments on the medieval fairs again. Evenings on fireplaces, lonesome singing in an old chapel, walk-in silent woods and a lot of laughter and fun- and hilarious road trips. I am very lucky that I was allowed to spend my summer with those amazing people at some very magical places. 

At the end of spring when summer was knocking on our doors I decided to become vegan. I am vegetarian for three and a half years now and I ate a lot vegan but I wanted it to be official now and so I started to be even more conscious about what I eat. That was the reason I moreover tried a lot of new recipes and wanted to grow my own vegetables, herbs and fruits (unfortunately I wasn't careful enough and they all dried up). I started to be more conscious of my body, so at least one part of my body-soul package was healthy. 

At the end of summer, my internship was near. I have been looking for a good place to absolve it and finally found an opportunity at a musical company and theatre in my hometown. So I spend five weeks supporting different plays, visiting rehearsals, sewing costumes and other stuff and meeting a lot of new people. I had such a great time with all those actors and helpers. At the end of my internship, there was the staging of the play "The Fiddler on the Roof" and it was an awesome final for my five weeks of work. I learned a lot about theatre and plays in this time and a lot about my preferences for my future work life. I am happy that this internship was an enrichment for my career.Between all those days full of work with the actors and the calm weekends on the medieval fairs, I tried to drown my negative feelings in a love, which I knew wouldn't work that well. I fell in love with a good friend of mine and with whom I spent a lot of time on the road to the different medieval markets, laughing and fooling around. I guess I needed someone who was distracting me from my own person and who gave me the feeling of comfort and peace. And he was the one who made me feel not worthless. This feeling grew over the whole summer and with every new day, we spent together I fell deeper in love. At the end of my internship and after the medieval season ended I made the decision to tell him because I couldn't stand this uncertainty anymore. So, I took all my courage and told him. But he didn't feel the same. I felt like being pushed from a cliff after taking someone's hand to prevent me from falling down. But after some time this impact and drowning in the water changed into a feeling of floating on a soft bed of waves. I guess I needed this hard way of realizing I had to change my life and my thinking and I am very happy now it happened this way. I came over it and this friend of mine became an even better friend and I think this situation didn't worsen our relationship but improved it. 

After this time of fulltime rehearsals till deep in the night I was happy to have some free time again and time to sleep and doing things I love. I started to make music again, took dad's old guitar and strummed a bit. And I found that this (very bad) playing the guitar was a lot of fun and a very healsome way to deal with my feelings. I started to write my thoughts down and realized that I am good at writing lyrics in a short period of time. So, I began to compose some small songs of mine and sharing them on the internet. Actually, I didn't expect anyone to like my creations, but then I got some very lovely comments about my voice and that really made me speechless. When the new semester started I met Malte, a student of music, at my university and we started to make music together. We worked so well together, sitting like three hours in a small rehearsal room, him playing some improvised melodies on the piano, me singing some spontaneous texts... I really enjoyed this time, because it made me feel free minded. So. a few weeks ago he asked me if I would feel brave enough to sing in front of many people on a Christmas party. And... I said yes (still can't believe it). Four days ago we had the gig and it was one of the most impressive experiences in my life. I overcame my fears and shyness and I am very proud of myself!

Last five month I found myself again, after losing myself at the beginning of the year. I started to improve my thinking again. After being so desperate because of my doubts about my study and my whole person, I started to find myself again. I've let go of the negative feelings which were haunting me and tried to follow the positive feelings and choose the things that made me happy. I challenged myself every day to take on new things, trying out things I have been afraid of, accepting challenges and being open to everything that comes. And now after a few months of just letting things happen, I can say that this is the best feeling I've ever had. I never felt as free as I do at the moment and I never felt like conquering the whole world before. Because of this openness I met a lot of wonderful people last months and weeks. I started a friendship with a lovely soul in Romania and made a trip to his place a few weeks ago. Since my last "big adventure" into the Canadian wilderness three years ago this was the first trip on a plane I did since then. And it felt amazing, being on the road, seeing new places, new people, a new culture! I don't regret a moment of being so spontaneous to travel there. Moreover, I made an application for my study abroad with Erasmus for Sweden, Finland and Estonia. I wanted to go to Scandinavia, but I was sure my grades wouldn't be good enough and there are always a lot of applicants for those countries, but I wanted to at least give myself a chance, than not trying it at all. And guess what- I got the place in Finland, and I still could cry because of happiness! I can't believe I will study in Finland next fall/winter! I am already dreaming of white Christmas in the land of thousand lakes!I guess this year was like a rollercoaster of ups and downs, happy and sad moments. I wished for a happy end to this year and it happened. But not because a supernatural power made me happy, but because I changed my thinking. Of course I still have a lot of moments when I just feel like crying and so overstrained that I feel like breaking apart, but I guess those moments will never disappear completely, I take them as a challenge to stand up again and continue my journey to find myself, to improve myself and living the adventures. I can't wait for the adventures and challenges which are waiting for me in the new year! I am full of motivation to try new things, meet more amazing people and writing new chapters of my own story!Live your life and never lose the sight of the good things in life!Someone said once, that we all have the best of all lives because we only have one.I wish you all a happy new year,Michelle