The overwhelming mind of an artist - creative crises
Hej hej! It feels like it has been a long time ago that I properly wrote something here - maybe because it really has been a while. I've got some messages from lovely people who asked if everything is alright and what I've been up to recently since I did not write here anymore and also did not post any videos for weeks. I wanna thank everyone who is wondering what I am doing and who cares for me so much - it really means a lot to me and I actually didn't imagine that people would really notice if I would be gone for a while. But I am still here, I haven't gone lost! It has been silent for a while because I haven't had much to say the past weeks, but now I want to update you more regularly again and share more with you, especially now that Winter is coming.
The reason why it has been quiet here and why I do not post videos anymore is because I feel a little bit stuck recently. I have a bunch of projects I am working on but at the same time, I feel like I am running on the spot. I am working in the health store several times a week, I still go to University, currently finishing my last two classes and working on the last assignments, moreover I am taking care of a neighbor's dog twice a week. Also, I am doing a Swedish class every Wednesday which is great fun but also a lot of work next to all the other things. Malte and I are still recording songs for the CD and after several months of slow progress, I finally wanna finish it. I feel like we are doing really slow and since I am also in a little singer-songwriter crises, it doesn't fasten it up at all. I wanna do so many things but my hands are tied. I would love to create more songs, write more music, but I don't have the proper equipment or skills. I have all these melodies and ideas in my head but I can't let them out - and this doesn't only apply to my music, it is also connected to my writing and all my other creative projects. I would love to write more on here about what makes me happy, but I feel stuck in my current situation which only makes it possible to move limited - although I know it is not permanent. One might say I should just get some proper equipment if it would make me happy and able to turn my ideas into reality, but this collides with my wish to move to Sweden in Spring and my need to save money for that. Maybe my friend Ingrid and I should give it another try with the lottery - although money is not the most important thing in life, sometimes I feel like it would make some things much easier. Talking about moving to Sweden, I am thinking about it every single day, but right now I can't make concrete plans of course. Life is offering me new opportunities every day so I don't know if things will go how I plan them to, but I am thinking about going to Sweden in Spring when I finished university and maybe work on farms to travel around in the North and have a look where I would love to put roots and where I could find work. This is a big dream and it takes a lot of time and sometimes there are also periods where you won't have any progress, like right now. It is part of the project.
I was also thinking about sharing some of what I learn in my Swedish class and my progress with knitting on here and on my Youtube channel, and also considered to start writing in German here, my native languages, because sometimes I also feel very limited with the English language. But at the same time, I don't wanna exclude all my international readers. I feel like I am thinking too much about everything instead of just doing what feels right. I wanna do everything perfectly and I am never satisfied with what I'm doing. I have these images in my mind which I wanna live up to, I wanna do it like it is drawn in my head, but I am lacking the right possibilities to turn it into reality - and that's annoying me the most and turns into demotivation and frustration!
Often I wish myself back to Finland, back in the North where I felt really content with what I've been doing. But I know that I am free to go wherever I want as soon as I finished my study in Spring and until then I just have to sit out this plateau I am in right now and make the best out of it.
For now, I just wanted to let you know that I am still here, I just have too many things on my mind, too many ideas and I don't know where to start. I feel like most creative people have these crises once in a while where they doubt everything they do or are just not satisfied with how things are - you don't even have to be an artist to feel like that. I will be back with more thoughts and photos again from now on! Please let me know if you can relate to what I said and your thoughts and current worries!
I send lots of love to you! Hug!