Posts in Sweden
A new beginning: Finishing my study, moving to Sweden, self-struggle

Hej hej! I just stumbled into my room a second ago and actually, I have plenty of stuff to do, like applying to a really cool job offer, running some errands or just getting into bed and rest because I'm suffering from the flu at the moment. But I really felt like writing some things off my soul and finally getting back on track here on my blog because SO many things have happened! I feel like 2018 has gone by with a blink, and I haven't done anything at all. But in fact so many things changed the past months, especially the last weeks. At the beginning of the year, I struggled with my bachelor thesis. I couldn't find a topic I wanted (was allowed) to write about and in the end, I've been so very desperate that I even thought about quitting my study even though I was almost done. But then I've got myself together and gathered some last energy, found a topic and just wrote the thesis during summer. It has been the hottest summer in a long long time here in Germany, and I spent it in the dark basement writing my thesis between my granny's glasses with jam and my dad's toolbox because it's been the only place to hide from the heat. Now that I think about it, it is hilarious. But now, I'm sitting here and am allowed to call myself a Bachelor. Today I picked up my bachelor certificate and I actually cannot believe it to be honest. I've been struggling with this since I came back from Finland, and I thought the day would never come that I am finally free and done with the study. Now that it's here, I feel...overwhelmed. And I am also a little bit melancholic since I've been at university for the last time today. Even though that place has been a curse at some points, it also has been such a great part of my life - I've found great friends there, I fell in love, I fell out of love, my heart got broken, I've found my passion for music, sang for the first time of my life in the music basement of the uni, my study made me go to Finland... there are so many things I am grateful for and that I look back at now and am a bit sad to let it go. To close this chapter and start a new. But I think this is how life works and I know there are many adventures ahead of me, but I take this moment to remember all that I've learned and experienced here.

So, now that I am free I am able to go wherever I wanna go and that feels so so good! I can finally go after my dreams, and the first one is to MOVE TO SWEDEN! It's nothing new that I wanna move country, but I feel like the past year(s) it has been more of an idea, a wish, but out of reach. Now it is reality and it is possible - and that's such an exciting feeling. Also very frightening but I try to let go of my fears.I've been in Sweden two weeks ago, to meet my friend Maria and head into the mountains of Härjedalen for a job interview. It did me so well to finally have some time off and spend time in nature again. I missed that so much since I haven't found much time for it due to all the stress. The job offer turned out to be not my cup of tea because of private reasons but it gave me some hope to eventually finding a place to live and a job in Sweden and so now, that I am back in Germany, I continue looking for opportunities. Life can change within 24 hours and who knows what kind of possibilities I will get in the coming months. I try not to stress myself anymore, because I did that more than enough this year. Things will fall into place eventually if you have a dream and if you really WANT and WORK for it! :)

Right now, I am working on some music, maybe finally creating the album that I am talking about for more than a year now. But I stopped putting pressure on myself to reach any kind of expectations. I just wanna go with the flow... Moreover, I started to run again which I've neglected for a long time now. I have to admit that my body has really suffered from all the stress this year. I haven't eaten very well, I haven't done any sports and I treated it with a lot of negative thoughts and self-doubt. So I wanna make it up again and start treating it better so it gets stronger once again and prepared for all that comes next.

Okay, that's it for now. I am so happy to be back on track, I am so happy to be free and unbounded and so excited how my future will look like! I am so glad you are still here to follow my journey and I promise that I will share more again in the future :) You can also have a look at my Youtube channel if you'd like to see some videos from Sweden, if you haven't seen them yet!

Take care of yourself
with love,Michelle

Wintersonnenwende - der dunkelste Tag des Jahres

Hallo, ihr Liebe und eine magische Wintersonnenwende wünsche ich euch! Heute ist der dunkelste Tag des Jahres mit den wenigsten Sonnenstunden und der längsten Nacht. Ich finde, dieser Tag ist ein ganz besonders magischer, denn es bedeutet, dass ab morgen die Tage wieder länger werden und die Sonne zurückkehrt. Der Winter hat seinen Höhepunkt erreicht und seine dunkelsten Zeiten sind fast vorüber. Auch wenn ich die Dunkelheit sehr genieße und sie meinem Geist Ruhe bringt, freue ich mich trotzdem auf die Rückkehr der Sonne und den kommenden Frühling. Heute jedoch gibt es uns den Anlass, die Dunkelheit zu zelebrieren und zu genießen, eine Kerze anzuzünden und zur Ruhe zu kommen. 

Es ist so wichtig, gerade in der dunkelsten Zeit, in der viele Menschen zur Traurigkeit und Winterdepression neigen, langsam zu leben und sich Zeit für die Dinge zu nehmen, die uns gut tun. Viel zu schnell vergessen wir, dass wir uns selbst Licht in der dunkelsten Zeit des Jahres schaffen können. Mir persönlich sind diese gemütlichen Abende mit heißem Tee und leiser Musik im Kerzenlicht die liebsten, sie lassen mich durchatmen im hektischen Alltag gerade vor Weihnachten. Die Dunkelheit kann beängstigend sein und so viel unheimliches verbergen, aber sie gibt uns auch die Möglichkeit für einen Moment ein Schatten zu werden und mit ihr zu verschmelzen, unsere Gedanken frei zu lassen und die Sterne zu sehen - oh die Sterne! Und den Mond! Wie sehr ich es liebe, den Himmel zu beobachten, wenn ich mit Balu durch die dunklen Felder und Wälder abends laufe! Wenn die Wolken langsam am Mond vorbeiziehen und ich mir so klein vorkomme und mich frage, ob ich wirklich existiere oder doch nur ein kleiner Funken in der Nacht bin.

Happy Winter Solstice, ihr Lieben! Ich hoffe, ihr spürt die Wärme jedes einzelnen Lichtes da draußen heute Nacht!

The dream of a cottage in Sweden

Happy Midsummer, everyone! It has been insanely hot here the past couple of days, but now it finally cooled down and the sky is covered in clouds while the wind is running through the trees in our garden. I am sitting at my window watching them, thinking.

Last night I have been randomly searching for homesteads in the north of Sweden and suddenly I've found the perfect cottage for me. I've got so excited I could not fall asleep afterwards. It is a red wooden house right in front of a sea, the forest in the backyard near a small village nearby Lapland. It looked like the perfect home for me - I could already imagine myself standing in front of the main door. And the price isn't as high as I expected! My mind went crazy. I imagined buying this house, moving to the north of Sweden after finishing my study in Winter, living near the sea while I renovate the inside of the house, making it my home, documenting my life and process there! My heart is jumping up and down with this thought.

But of course, I have so many things to consider - financial facts, visiting the house, moving plans, my study, support by friends and family - the list is long. I was thinking about starting a crowdfunding campaign so people who would like to support me and my dream could do so and in return, I could offer insight into my life and moving there, songs and other perks. This would be all quite a big thing so I have to think about it properly.

There are two voices in my head. One of them is cheering me on to buy this house and move there as soon as possible because we both know I belong there! Now or never - why should I wait if this is what I want so desperately? But then the other voice comes in - the one that wants to destroy my little dream. It brings up all the doubt and fear. How should I finance this? Could I survive there on my own? It would include so much struggle and is not as rosy as I imagine it! You are too young, you should get a job first,  a n d   s o   o n ... 

Yes, I am afraid. But it doesn't change my excitement at all, and my wish to live that life! Yes, I know it will be hard and a lot of work, but damn I am looking forward to it. Challenges make life exciting! Yes, I could stay here forever, get an ordinary job and be unhappy for the rest of my life - because I am running from my fears. But life is so short, so so short and why should I waste it on things I don't want? I would rather make a big mistake but go for my dreams, instead of burying them and be unhappy. 

I am watching the leaves flying in the wind, how the trees are bending in the breeze. They look like green waves. What will be, will be. Things will come how they should. That's what I've always believed in, but sometimes I forget. I tend to stress myself too much because I am afraid that it will be too late, that I have to act now. But I don't, I should keep calm and let life happen. 

I will keep you updated on my house-finding process and all what's going on! I hope you are as excited as I am because I love to share passion and dreams - "happiness is only real when shar'd". Have a wonderful weekend! I hope you are all fine and live your dreams!

Photos by

Polly Balitro