Posts in Life
November Nights
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Oh beautiful November

The days are getting shorter, the night arrives early these days. Today, it has snowed for the first time here in my hometown and it felt so cozy sitting in the candlelight watching the snow on the window quickly turning into rain. I'm missing the snow in the mountains but I am also enjoying the grey days here - they are made for a slow and cozy time in bed. I cannot believe that it is December in a couple of days, and the Christmas time will start soon. I always try to enjoy it to its fullest because it should be the month of rest, peace and coziness, but then again I know that it will be gone so very quickly which makes me feel restless instead - and also, the new year is coming closer which makes me excited but also nervous as it always does.

The other day I've finally got the lens I wanted to get for a while now - a 28-300mm zoom lens. I was waiting for the right offer to appear and the other night I found one for a reasonable price. Now, I'm waiting for the postman every day to bring me the package! I cannot wait for it to arrive and to try it out - and hopefully, I will be able to shoot the moon finally!

I'm still recovering from the flu, but I felt so much more active today than the past couple of days so I wrapped the mittens from my shop which someone ordered last night and got them ready to send away tomorrow. I'm so happy they will soon have a new home and warm someone's hands this Winter! For now, I will make some soup, another cup of tea and spend the rest of the evening in bed watching some series. I hope you'll have a cozy night too!

with love,
Michelle


A new beginning: Finishing my study, moving to Sweden, self-struggle

Hej hej! I just stumbled into my room a second ago and actually, I have plenty of stuff to do, like applying to a really cool job offer, running some errands or just getting into bed and rest because I'm suffering from the flu at the moment. But I really felt like writing some things off my soul and finally getting back on track here on my blog because SO many things have happened! I feel like 2018 has gone by with a blink, and I haven't done anything at all. But in fact so many things changed the past months, especially the last weeks. At the beginning of the year, I struggled with my bachelor thesis. I couldn't find a topic I wanted (was allowed) to write about and in the end, I've been so very desperate that I even thought about quitting my study even though I was almost done. But then I've got myself together and gathered some last energy, found a topic and just wrote the thesis during summer. It has been the hottest summer in a long long time here in Germany, and I spent it in the dark basement writing my thesis between my granny's glasses with jam and my dad's toolbox because it's been the only place to hide from the heat. Now that I think about it, it is hilarious. But now, I'm sitting here and am allowed to call myself a Bachelor. Today I picked up my bachelor certificate and I actually cannot believe it to be honest. I've been struggling with this since I came back from Finland, and I thought the day would never come that I am finally free and done with the study. Now that it's here, I feel...overwhelmed. And I am also a little bit melancholic since I've been at university for the last time today. Even though that place has been a curse at some points, it also has been such a great part of my life - I've found great friends there, I fell in love, I fell out of love, my heart got broken, I've found my passion for music, sang for the first time of my life in the music basement of the uni, my study made me go to Finland... there are so many things I am grateful for and that I look back at now and am a bit sad to let it go. To close this chapter and start a new. But I think this is how life works and I know there are many adventures ahead of me, but I take this moment to remember all that I've learned and experienced here.

So, now that I am free I am able to go wherever I wanna go and that feels so so good! I can finally go after my dreams, and the first one is to MOVE TO SWEDEN! It's nothing new that I wanna move country, but I feel like the past year(s) it has been more of an idea, a wish, but out of reach. Now it is reality and it is possible - and that's such an exciting feeling. Also very frightening but I try to let go of my fears.I've been in Sweden two weeks ago, to meet my friend Maria and head into the mountains of Härjedalen for a job interview. It did me so well to finally have some time off and spend time in nature again. I missed that so much since I haven't found much time for it due to all the stress. The job offer turned out to be not my cup of tea because of private reasons but it gave me some hope to eventually finding a place to live and a job in Sweden and so now, that I am back in Germany, I continue looking for opportunities. Life can change within 24 hours and who knows what kind of possibilities I will get in the coming months. I try not to stress myself anymore, because I did that more than enough this year. Things will fall into place eventually if you have a dream and if you really WANT and WORK for it! :)

Right now, I am working on some music, maybe finally creating the album that I am talking about for more than a year now. But I stopped putting pressure on myself to reach any kind of expectations. I just wanna go with the flow... Moreover, I started to run again which I've neglected for a long time now. I have to admit that my body has really suffered from all the stress this year. I haven't eaten very well, I haven't done any sports and I treated it with a lot of negative thoughts and self-doubt. So I wanna make it up again and start treating it better so it gets stronger once again and prepared for all that comes next.

Okay, that's it for now. I am so happy to be back on track, I am so happy to be free and unbounded and so excited how my future will look like! I am so glad you are still here to follow my journey and I promise that I will share more again in the future :) You can also have a look at my Youtube channel if you'd like to see some videos from Sweden, if you haven't seen them yet!

Take care of yourself
with love,Michelle


What has been going on? - A little update
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Hello there!

It's Michelle! Do you still remember me? Again, it took me so long to find my way back here... I wanted to share a little update for quite some time but I haven't found the energy yet since it is so very warm here right now and I've been so busy. But now, I am back and I wanna share with you what was going on the past few weeks and what I am busy with. I hope you are all doing very well and can enjoy Summer as much as it's possible with this heat wave.

A few things have happened since I've posted here last time. First of all, I am not working at the Health Store any longer. My contract ran out a week ago and the didn't continue it because of financial reasons. Even though I've been thinking about quitting anyway to get some more time for other things, it still made me sad because I would have liked to choose myself when I quit. I loved to work there and to leave so soon came as a surprise for all of us. The year went so quickly and the job became part of my daily life. It feels weird not to work there anymore so suddenly. But, I am okay with it since it gives me much more time for my thesis now, which I am finally working on...

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I finally (!) found a tutor for my bachelor thesis as well as a topic I'll write about. If you got lost in the whole thesis chaos, which I wouldn't mind, let me sum it up for you very quickly: first I was lost in the neverending amount of things I could write about since we could choose whatever we want and had no list or anything we could choose from. When I finally found a topic (the one about Astrid Lindgren) I went to a tutor but she rejected my idea. So I started looking for a new one, read a billion of books, worked it out and wanted to go to the tutor again. But she was never available. Then I chose to look for a new tutor. Ended up very confused about the new topic since it was about philosophy which can sometimes be like quicksand if you don't take care, and so the other day I decided to throw everything overboard and start anew.
I decided for a topic I have been interested some time ago, I wrote to a woman that seemed very suitable as a tutor, and see: she agreed, I met her on Thursday and now I am officially writing the thesis. I am wondering WHY IT TOOK ME SO LONG AND ALL THE CHAOS AND DESPERATION?! Like seriously, it gave me lots of anxiety and depression the past weeks. But never mind, now I see a light at the end of the tunnel again and hope that I can finish it soon! For those who care about it, I am writing about Jane Eyre now.
This took a heavy weight from my shoulders. Also, that I had the exam for my second Swedish class and if I pass I will have officially accomplished Level A1 in the Swedish language. I am a bit sad as well to leave the Swedish group since it takes place at the University and I won't be there anymore for the Autumn term when the next class takes place. But I'm so motivated and excited to continue practicing. I already notice such a huge progress with my comprehension! The other day a package by dear Sina from Sweden arrived who sent me some Swedish children books - I am so excited to read those!

So these are the things that happened. Might not sound like a lot, but it's a huge difference for me. The next weeks will be filled with reading and writing, maybe also continuing recording my album which I am still working on but just trying not to pressure myself with too much, practicing Swedish and surviving the heat. I hope I can give you a new update with more exciting news soon!

Thank you for reading this and for being part of my sometimes little less exciting journey!

Lots of love and a wonderful sunny Sunday,
Michelle


Breathing in, slowing down
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A moment of Silence

The past couple of days felt really confusing and overwhelming. Sometimes the world turns so fast that you feel dizzy and upside down. So I took my analog camera and tried to slow down by feeling moments more intensely and capturing them through the single click, which made me feel so much more present and focused on those particular little things and moments and took the rush out of the hectic life. The sunset after the storm with its golden light that found its way through all the small raindrops that's been left over on my rooftop window, the lilac Summer flowers from my walk through the fields, oranges in bed and the moon that's shone so brightly through my window the other night - all these moments become so much more special and important.

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Sometimes it takes some time until we find our pace again.


week in pictures || w21 2018
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Hello, dear ones and welcome to another little review of the past two weeks this time. The last week has been a bit tough because I suffered from a bad flu in combination with pollen allergy which totally knocked me out for several days. I went for a photoshoot with Lea last Saturday and we shot some photos between beautiful flowers and also in the high grass in the fields but afterwards, my allergy hit me so hard that my nose and eyes were going crazy. The next couple of days I just spent in bed because I had no energy and my entire body ached. I guess it was time to slow down a bit and to just do nothing for a while and let my body heal and my mind having some rest. 

I try to enjoy Summer as much as I can as a former vampire, spending time in the fields with Balu, reading in the evening sun, enjoying the cool breeze that finds me once in a while and eating strawberry cake on the porch. The heat is bearable so far as long as I don't have to use the public transportation. I wish I'd live nearby a lake so I could go for a dip in the Summer heat. Oh, I am dreaming of a lake in my backyard! 

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Talking about that, I finally bought myself a raincoat! I needed one for quite a while because I always used my brother's when it rained the past months but I haven't found the right one yet. I actually wanted to have a blue rain jacket but when I saw this yellow one in the sale I really fell in love with it. It reminds me of our vacations at the Northern Sea when I was little. The rainy and salty ports which smell like fish and the ocean. Since this raincoat is hanging here at home, I feel the urge to live in a lighthouse for some reason. The image of an atmospheric rocky beach with a red white striped lighthouse next to the sea in the dark of the rain somehow has a very soothing effect on me! I even looked for job advertisements as a lighthouse keeper the other night, haha

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I enjoy lots of fruits and good food to get back on track after the flu. The other day when Balu and I went through the fields in the evening, suddenly a deer jumped out of the grass right next to us and ran away into the forest. I was so fascinated that I kept staring at the spot it appeared a second ago even after it was gone. I also had a little chat with my neighbor lady again and we ate strawberries and talked about life and the world - it is always so nice to see her and to talk about everything that concerns us, it is really therapeutic.

I also thought a lot about myself and my work and art this week again. Somehow something didn't feel right the past couple of weeks. I felt really unhappy with my photography even tho it seemed like I kept evolving more and more. I guess this unhappy feeling has its source more in my social media. Even though, this seems to be a permanent present topic, for me, the real problem seems to show up only now. It actually started with the yellow raincoat and totally became clear to me when I cut myself bangs last night. I wanted to do that for a very long time, I wanted to change, to try something (old) new but I never did it because I thought "Maybe it doesn't suit me", "I look young anyway, why to make myself even younger", "Maybe I will hate it again soon", "Maybe my straight hair without bangs looks better in pictures" and so on. But last night I felt the need to change something so very badly that I just did it. And it felt awesome! And at that moment I realized what my actual problem was: I wasn't myself by being myself! The past months I somehow slid into that arty-modelling-extraordinary-photography niche and started to put so much pressure on myself because I started seriously thinking about how to turn this into my real job after my study, that I totally lost the focus on my happiness. Every time I wanted to share something on Instagram, my perfectionism showed up wondering if this photo is professional enough if the quality is good enough if it is creative enough - but IT IS NEVER ENOUGH FOR ME! I am never good enough in my own eyes. And I started to long for the good old times when I just posted whatever happened to me that day or a photo of my favorite sweater, analog photos, everything that was so unperfect but so precious and full of its own spirit those days. I really miss those times but of course, it is also my own decision of course what I post and what not. Maybe it has been my own desperate wish to become a more professional photographer, maybe it's been everything that I've been confronted with on social media the past year, that I just stopped sharing life but work on my Instagram. It is a complex topic and my thoughts are a mess, but to sum it up, I realized that I wanna go back to that free sharing of the things I love in life. I still do so but with too much perfectionism due to my photos and by being too hard on myself. Do you have similar struggles with your art? I would love to know your experiences since I don't seem to be the only one with these kinds of problems.

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I baked some banana bread the other day and it was SO delicious. I had to use the ripe bananas that I had left and so I thought why not try a banana bread for the first time. I combined it with some vegan chocolate and all the good stuff, and it turned out so so good! Moreover, the sunsets happen to be so enchanting this week. I could take a photo every single time because I think it looks more and more beautiful every evening. 

So these have been the past two weeks! Not much going on in my life right now, but the more in my head it seems. I hope you are all doing very well and enjoy the Summer days! Have a wonderful Sunday and take care!

Lots of love, Michelle