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Fear of the future - When the uncertainty becomes scary

Sunday, July 23, 2017


I am a written paper of a story not yet told - Sometimes I feel like my story has been written already, that our lives are determined, but yet the future is a blank page. It makes no sense because our future can't be prescribed but still alterable. I believe that things will come how they should, that my fate is already chosen, but recently I found myself being scared of the uncertainty of the future more and more often. 

The path I've chosen is not the easiest and I have been aware of that when I decided to chase my dream. The idea of leaving things behind to move the country and live in nature, buying a house and not being sure of what to live from, is not the choice most of the people would go for. Many nights I am lying awake thinking about how to survive up north, how I should make a living, how should I pay for food, how can I make it just with the things I love the most, my photography, my blog, my music. There are so many fears inside me which show up when I am the weakest. I know life is too short to live a life you don't want just to run away from your fear, but even though, I am also scared of making a mistake. Sometimes a voice in my head says "Maybe you should just stay here, you will fail and lose everything you have" and then I humble for a second and don't know what to do anymore.

The thing is, I want so many things at once and while I am writing this post, I realise that my future is actually not that scary and unpredictable but my plans are just too big. I just want so many things all at once. I need to give myself time and space for changes and compromises. I will go to the North, that's for sure. But maybe I won't buy a house just yet but live in a little town in a rented apartment for a while and earn some money before I move on - I should leave some room for intermediate steps! That makes it so much easier to go step by step, day by day, working towards the dream instead of drowning in the fear of not being able to fulfil it all at once. And to reply to that voice " What do I have to lose when I have nothing here that makes me happy?"


I spend most of my time with planning, reading about how to move to Sweden, waterfalls of information, so many things to consider because the fuel of my fear is the uncertainty, not knowing what comes next. Preparing myself mentally for this move helps me a lot to fight my fear about the future. Since I have a father who is very critical about my dream of a life in Sweden, it is even harder to stay positive. The field I am working in is not the most steady one. Actually working with social media is so unpredictable since you can never rely on social networks - a social life can be over in a second and then you are without work, without money (assumed you are making your living from social media work). Of course, I don't know what will happen in a year, what kind of opportunities I will get, whether I will extend my blog, develop my photography - I have no power over all the things that could happen to me. Maybe I'll find a job at a small super market in the village I wanna move, maybe I will do more music and sell my songs, maybe a brand will make me an offer I can't pass, maybe I will start a schooling about herbs and work as a herbalist - maybe life will go a completely different way than I expected! I can never be sure.

Life is too short to be afraid. The future is unpredictable and I will never know what will happen and how things will go. Tomorrow is a big black tunnel, but as long as I am walking with a candle in my hand it will never be dark, there will always be enough light. That's what I tell myself when the fear about my future takes over once again. What if we miss the best time of our lives just because we are too afraid to take a risk? 
Are you afraid of your future or do you have an unshakable plan? And what do you do to ease the scared voice in your head? I send lots of love your way! - M.



Photos taken by Polly Balitro

14 comments:

  1. Hi there Minion,
    Sorry in advance if you don't like minion,
    About your post, you have lot of courage to go after your dreams. Most of the people don't even have goal to go after,
    I love to be in nature too.. But we have to care about our own responsibilities sometimes.
    I wish you best of luck in your future. There will be always something better for you, as you are the Daughter of Woods.

    Regards
    Khalid
    #kbmyattitude
    YouTube: KBS Timelapse

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  2. Wow, I totally understand your thoughts. <3
    Yesterday I was exactly in the same mood and wrote a "quote/text" about similar things:
    THE WALLS
    They exist in our head, our mind.Limit our free spirit and keep us safe. But safety can be the hardest prison ever existing. Shadows overshadow freedom, craziness, brokeness, pain. But all need to be lived and felt and dealt with. Walls need not to be smashed down in an instant, rather constantly and slowly being torn apart.
    Then the protection of the stony prison no longer exists. Feelings may be more intense but undergo the realness and pureness of unordinary life. We may see more than the chalk written lines on the concrete counting days, where we don't know when they end. And we feel more than the lonliness haunting our dreams, keeping us awake in blank and clean bed sheets.

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    Replies
    1. Oh dear Juli!
      Such true words! Thank you for sharing those with me <3

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  3. Why don't you try WWoofing first? There are many farms in Sweden that are looking for people, just check the website: http://wwoof.net/. It will allow you to experience what it's like to live in Sweden and you can learn about organic farming as well.

    From my own experience, moving abroad is an adventure but it can also be difficult at times, especially when you are doing it alone and don't have someone there with you to support you. Buying a house might not be the best of idea, as it would be diffult to pack it all up if you find out you don't like living in that area, or that you feel you are lonely and need more people around you.

    I moved to England when I was 25, a country I didn't know very well. And although you might think there are many similarities between the Netherlands and England, there is still a world of little cultural differences. And it really took me years to find my place. I have had my share of anxiety, homesickness and loneliness (I moved here to be with my partner so I always had support). At the same time I feel like it's the best decision I ever made. But I do still cry every now and then because I'm missing my family and wish they could just pop over. I have kids and I work so I can't always get on a plane home.

    What I'm trying to say is: following your heart is good, but also don't underestimate it! Flexibility is the key, I guess. Feel free to message me if you want to talk, @northernewynd. Best of luck!

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    1. Hej Marit, thank you for sharing your thoughts.
      Woofing might be a good idea although I want to build a life in Sweden as soon as possible. I am very sure about my choice to live in Sweden. Still it might be a good idea to live in a rented apartment first and find the right area or village I wanna move and put roots :)

      And yes, of course I am afraid I will feel lonely and I cant make it, that things wont work out, but seriously, I've never felt more lonely than I feel here in my hometown, and I've never felt more alive than in nature in the great north.

      I know things wont be easy, life is not only a fairytale. But I also know life is too short to not taking risk...

      Thank you for offering your help and sharing your experiences! It's always widen the own horizon and brings new things to keep in mind and consider.

      Lots of love to you,
      Michelle

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    2. It was not my intention to sound patronising, as I do really understand that feeling of wanting to move abroad, not feeling at home in your hometown. My words aren't meant to discourage you, it's just that you only really know what it's like to live abroad, when you have taken that step. And that things that you crave at the moment, might change once you are there. (Like solitude. Solitude is great, but too much solitude makes you feel lonely.) Of course you should take risks and follow your dream, it will teach you so much and it will be an amazing journey. I am not saying you won't be able to do this, as I'm sure you will. :-) :-) (Just wanted to explain myself further.)

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    3. Oh dear, I didn't want to sound rude in any way!
      I totally understand that you wanna share your experiences and thoughts and they are always welcome here :)
      I just wanted to explain how I feel about this dream :)
      (Also, I already lived abroad for 9 months in Finland, so living in the North and in a foreign country is not new to me ;) )
      But about the solitude thing you are right, of course, I might not like to be alone for too long. But I think I have to find these things out on my own :) step by step :) And although I feel like buying a house tomorrow, of course I will take it slowly and won't rush things <3

      Love <3

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    4. You weren't rude, I just didn't like the way my message came across! :P
      I have been away for seven years now. It alters you. When I go home now, it feels very different as everything has changed. I have changed. That is sometimes difficult. (I should have included that info as it might help to place my first message). Anyway, I wish you all the best and look forward to read more about the progress of your plans/dreams. Lots of love.

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  4. You are absolutely correct. But the main is that if you have all aims before you, you can make a perfect plan the future and defeat all uncertainty that you may have in your life.

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    1. That's true and that's why I am so happy that I still have several months left before I finish my study and have to decide what to do. Lots of time left to consider and plan things :) Still, sometimes I feel a little scared, I think that's completely normal

      Love to you!

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  5. Hi Michelle,

    I can identify with you. I;m a lot older than you are now (just 20 yrs older, ha ha ) but when I was 18 my dream was to go to live in Ireland (I'm from Spain). I could not explain exactly what force was calling me from Ireland. Like you, I felt foreign in my own hometown most of the time, I just did not feel I belonged there, even though I loved my parents and brothers, but it nothing to do with love, it is just the way I felt and I knew nobody would understand it. My family were against it , of course . They did not try to stop me, but did not want to encourage me either. I did not have enough money to move and so at 21 I went there as Au pair to improve my english and then again at 23.
    At 25 and after having finished my studies I left on January 6th to Dublin with no job. It was a city, yes, and I had a plan to work in what I had studied at college but as much scary as it was, what I remember most is how excited I felt. the excitement took over the fear and went for it. I ended up staying there 7 years, I met my husband there and now we are back in Spain. (not sure for how long. . . haha) but we have 2 children and so we have to provide for them, I find that now I;m responsible for 2 little people not just me so I have to plan things more. I know there are people that just take the plunge even with kids and all, not me.

    Go for it Michelle, go for you dream. . . .as you say step by step. . .sometimes I am amazed at how once I make a decision the stars align and the universe also gets ready and answers unfold in front of my eyes. . . . . weaving my way into my dream.

    I wish you all the best with it,

    Love,
    Eva

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    1. Dearest Eva,
      thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences! It means really much to me, because I like to read about sucessful movings! It sounds like you found a lovely family and I am sure you will also find the perfect place to live, might it be Spain or Ireland (I adore Ireland as well by the way, beautiful culture, nature and muuuusic).

      I try to go my way, with or without the support of my family!
      Your words make me stronger, gracias!

      Lots of love to you,
      Michelle

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Illustrations by Emily Stelten