Hello, everyone! How are you doing? Are you happy today? Did you smile and enjoy the sun? Recently I am going through a really tough time and I was thinking whether I should really write this post, because I want to spread love and happiness and inspire people instead of talking about sadness and negative things. But then I also think that life consists of light and darkness, and that I want to stay human and authentic, and I am sure I am not the only one who might have a tough time recently, and maybe my words and experiences can help someone, even if you just feel less alone with your struggle.
I am dealing with a tough heartache, fear of loss and certain other sadness at the moment. Every morning I wake up with a sick stomach, and every night I go to bed with a nauseous feeling. I stay up until 3 am because I don't wanna face the darkness and the thoughts and sadness which comes with it, and every morning it takes me hours to get up and start the day because things seem less important for me than they did before.
This sadness is haunting me for weeks now and after such a long time of being unhappy, although life might be good, I was wondering what makes me so sad and why I don't just get up and smile and be happy. Well, despite the fact that there really are some factors that are legit to be sad of, like a broken heart and that I have to leave Finland, my new home, and all my friends soon, there are many reasons to be happy. So why don't I focus on those?
Through all the years of ups and downs, I realized that it is easier to give into the negative feeling, to let yourself drown into sadness, instead of getting up and pushing yourself to be happy! It is so much easier to just accept how miserable things are and to let the voice in your head win which wants to convince you that nothing makes sense anymore without that particular person or whatever you are grieving over. I don't know much about neurons or chemical processes in the human body, but I feel like the heart and soul are so vulnerable to negative feelings and therefore people easily fall into depression. Of course, this does not apply to everyone, but I experienced that most of the time the hypersensitive and artistic beings seem to struggle with sadness and depressive moments, and it is hard to get out of that circle on your own. I have many friends who are suffering from depression and it hurts me a lot to see them suffer from these negative feelings they can't really do anything against. Since I feel like I always want to find a way to help, it feels horrible not to be able to help my beloved ones.
I can say that the past couple of weeks I have been the worst. I have never felt so miserable before and maybe one of the reasons is that my time here has been so amazing before that these struggles just overwhelmed me easily. Most of you might think that I am a lucky person and I am living an adventurous life, being able to experience great things, which is absolutely true. But I am also a human with feelings and fears and I am going through a lot since I am hypersensitive and very emotional. And dear, let nobody every tell you that your pain and your sadness is not real or relevant. It is, because you feel it, no matter what anyone else might think about it! There are people who might think that some kind of struggles are not important enough to be taken serious, but that's idiotic because feelings are individual and subjective and nobody except yourself can judge your emotions, nobody is allowed to tell you that you are not allowed to be sad. Every feeling should be taken seriously!
The past couple of weeks made me grow and told me a lot about myself. For example, I realized that I am an introverted soul but since I found some good friends here who give me energy instead of taking it from me, I started craving company. Where I usually spent my night alone with drawing and music, I crave for company now, being with the people that make me happy. With every new trouble in life, we also learn something new about ourselves. We change constantly and I feel like pain and sadness are the most powerful impulses to change and to grow.
At the end of this quite negative post, I want to say that I have many reasons to be happy, and I am so lucky to have those people in my life who cheer me up when I can nothing but cry. Life is hard sometimes, life does bring a lot of disappointments and sadness, although parts of the social world do ignore that sometimes and people always try to hide behind a mask of smiles and glitter. Holding onto sadness is okay for a while because feelings have to be felt! It is important to find your way through it instead of pushing them away and run from them, 'cause in the end, they will always find you. But although it is hard and sometimes it seems hopeless, there will be sun again, it will be better, it just needs time. Let me tell you this although I am really unwell at the moment. It is the hope I am holding onto "Everything will be fine, it just needs time!" Take your time.
And while I am writing this, I realize how sick I am of feeling sad, how sick I am of feeling cloudy and letting days pass by, wasting the precious time I have with the ones I love and the great life I am allowed to live. Why do I hold onto sadness if there are a thousand reasons waiting to be happy? Like holding a squirrel's tiny paw - oh what a wonderful feeling that is! Writing this makes me see how important it is to feel the pain but then also realize that we have to let go! Life is too beautiful, life is too beautiful! Dear one, who is reading this, take a moment to think about what you are crying about. Is it worth it feeling like that, wasting your time with crying? I am sure it isn't! I am so sure it isn't! I know it hurts, I know it so well, but darling, do you remember how amazing it felt when you have been so happy the last time that you wanted to jump up and down and you just couldn't stop smiling? Do you remember the prickle in your tummy when you laughed out loud because life was funny and the sun was shining? Do you remember? Because these moments are the ones that count! Let's get them back!
Maybe some of you realize what a waste of time it is to be sad when they read this like I did while writing it. Summer is waiting for us, life is waiting for us! There are so many adventures calling! I send a lot of love to everyone who is sad and not doing well at the moment. And also to everyone who is happy and enjoys life! We are all in this ocean of life together, never give up!